It Is A Nickname!
When I was a kid I didn't have a nickname, so I told everybody to call me by just my initials for awhile. My initials, by the way, were, back then T. D. J. . So some people called me T.J. and some people called me T.D. then one day a younger acquaintance of mine started calling me Teddy (because that's what T.D. sounded like to him). Anyway, I have not been called that by anybody in a really long time. How long, exactly, we will never go into.
When I started this blog I decided to sign in as teddyt. It was not really close to my real name and I was super suspicious of everything back then. The thing is, I've been on twitter for awhile now as tracytayl. I had thought of using teddyt on there too, but thought I might want to feel freer over there, so I stuck close to my REAL current name.
Now, a few weeks (or months) ago, just after I started Scenes . . ., my fiction section that is now (at least temporarily) on hiatus, I got a few e-mails asking if this was an autobiographical story, and a few assuming they knew who I was and a very specific situation that I was talking about. Let me go on record as stating fully: Scenes From Her Life is not now, nor has it ever been based on fact. It is in fact based on something that a CHARACTER (fictional) of mine might have done in a previous incarnation, instead of the things she does in the Novel that I am currently failing at completing. Sort of a parallel universe sort of thing.
I did make the mistake of naming the main character in Scenes. . . Teddy. But it's just a nickname with her, also. I figured I was safe. Her previous names were Robin, Jay (someone who actually knows me warned me against that one right off the bat and I'm so glad they did) and Leigh. Maybe I should have stuck with one of those, but they're names from the actual Novel -- subtitled "The Unfinishable Project" -- and I did not want them to be closely associated with web-only content.
Now, you ALL know. It's just a nickname. None of my fiction has anything to do with reality. Goodbye.
Thinking About: Disappointment
Sometimes people disappoint you. You can know them for years, or for days. You can believe you know them and how they think and what they would do under certain circumstances. Sometimes you can be completely mistaken about someone and sometimes they can be affected and changed by people or situations that are new to their lives.
Over the New Year's holiday I was completely floored by something that someone I admire and respect did. It was so outside of their character that I was thrown into a bit of a spiral, that I'm just coming out of now. I have absolutely no way of knowing what caused this behavior -- I can speculate, but I would never do that publicly. I could speak to people who are involved, but I'm not sure how that would look.
I know that this behavior caused people pain. Much of this person's recent behavior has caused some emotional distress for people who have been close to them and are no longer.
This post is not about people, though. It is about a feeling. Something I think many of us feel at one time or another. The disappointment that we feel when these things happen is the real problem. It can keep us from being there for the person who disappoints us. It can keep us from noticing the things behind the behavior. Maybe the person has truly changed. Maybe there is an outside person/circumstance causing the behavior and it is only temporary.
If you let it, disappointment can become a wall between you and someone that you care for deeply. If you become disappointed in someone you should take a long moment (or a week or so) and think about why you really feel disappointed. If it is for some real reason: they did something deliberately to hurt someone or themselves, you should confront them immediately and find out what is going on and why. On the other hand, if you find that you are reacting to a superficial situation, one in which no one is really being hurt (at least not deliberately) try to distance yourself from the incident. Try to look at it from the point of view of someone who has no emotional stake in the situation. You may find that you no longer feel disappointed, at all. If you still feel disappointed, then you can maybe have a good long talk with the people involved and let them try to help you understand.
Right now, I'm just beginning to feel less disappointed. I'm still a little concerned for those involved, but I'm stepping back and looking at it from an emotional distance. Maybe it isn't as bad as I think, as bad as it looks, as bad as it feels.
I Just Got Bored
Sometimes I do that. I'll work on something for a pretty long while and then I'll get bored with it. Not even really bored with IT, per say. I will get bored with the feelings it engenders in me.
Scenes From Her Life has been "boring" me lately. I try to come here and write and not give a good hot damn and it has just become impossible. I have several different directions I want to lead these characters in, some involving amazing amounts of conflict. There are some problems in my doing this. (I have been less than forth-coming about the --er, um -- inspiration for these characters) and I have to do a little research in order not to make all of it seem a little too non-fictional. (Ya know, put the right people in the wrong places and vice versa.)
Also, Teddy just celebrated a birthday (in the story). I don't think I mentioned which one it was and I do not think anyone could imagine which one from the way the story will eventually work itself out (if I let it work out at all). She is older than she might seem at first glance. Her situation with her mother was nearly absurd in its depth of dysfunction. This is understandable from my point of view, but I'm not sure that an average reader will "get it".
I had intended for Scenes . . . to be something fun for me to work on when I'm not beating my head against the brick wall that is The Novel. For now, it's just become another wall, and I already have a constant headache.
It may continue. It may not. I may change it. I may not.
This was just a short note to let you know.
(Another post that I started more than a couple of days ago. I originally wrote the first part of this back on the 7th of January. I decided against posting it after I got into one of my who-gives-a-hot-damn moods. Now, I'm coming out of the mood and feeling the need to be Honest with myself and anyone else who stumbles down this particular dark corridor.)
I’m Listening To Things I Shouldn’t
Got up this morning ready to be done with something I've been holding on to a long time. I mean, really ready. I had a plan in my eyes for exactly how. I'm really good at compartmentalizing, so that's what I was planning to do. Put the last ten (or more) years away in a (psycho-metaphorical) box and bury it away, so deep I'd never even give it a second thought. I gave myself a good long look in the mirror and walked out to greet the day.
As the minutes fell into hours I let myself relax into old routines and I really wasn't thinking about anything in particular. Suddenly there this thing was. This thing that I was trying to bury. In something that wasn't even a part of the thing. There it was hidden away in a phrase, in a word, in a breath. I knew it when I heard it. Instantly I was filled with something that I hadn't thought to be filled with in a long while. There was a sweetness and a warmth in the thought. There was a distance, also. It wasn't the same. It's like looking at an old photo and feeling the way you did when the photo was taken.
(It has taken me a while to write this post.)
Hours have passed since I began writing this post. I have been taking the time to figure out the reasons why I wanted to be rid of something that has been a significant part of my life for a good deal of my life. It may be that I assume that I'm supposed to let go of it. Of course, we all know what happens when one assumes anything. (Thank you, Silence Of The Lambs. --Look it up.) I feel like I'm ready to change things, CHANGE them, not discard them. Maybe things are meant to go to a different level. If I'm to actually be more Honest this year, I think I have to Honestly say that what I want to do is take these things to the next level.
(I wrote this back on the 4th of January. I am posting it on the 11th of January. It has taken me a really long time to write this post and figure out that I don't mind if people read it. Also, I wish I could let everyone know what this thing is that I'm holding onto, that basically tortures me 24/7. I can't ever do that completely, but I am writing and I find that in every story I tell there is at least a little bit of my own truth. So, if and when people read my stories they will find a piece of my daily reality. Which piece, I may never be able to say, but it's enough (for me) that it's in there somewhere.)
It’s Late. It’s Snowing. I’m Up For The Duration.
It's another one of those days. One I hope to never deal with again. Next year I will be sitting in Southern California and never see another freaking snowflake. I wonder if they close schools for mudslides and fires and whatever else they have out there. (Wait! What? Earthquakes? Are you sure?)
Someone really should make a serious school closing rule. Something like, "If the television weather guy tells adult human beings that the windchill is dangerous and will be dangerous schools will be automatically closed." Also, "If the news camera shows one sliding car wreck, it might be too dangerous for the freaking school buses to drive on the roads."
Ohio. It snows. Your snow plows are for crap. Close schools if you get five inches of snow.
Thank you and goodnight.
About That Last Post . . .
I would say, just ignore it, but no. Don't ignore it. Sometimes we all feel like that. Sometimes we feel like we will never feel any other way. Honestly, during the time it took to write that post I broke down twice. Sobbing and crying and nearly screaming. (There are people asleep downstairs so I did try to curtail the screaming.)
Now? I still feel pretty badly, but I have a little better grip on myself. Didn't even take an hour. This site is cathartic for me. I come here and write it out. I have a good cry (or scream) and get up and go on.
This post is to let ya'll know that I have indeed gotten up and am going on. I'm breathing through the hurt and the feeling that some people are so ignorant of other people's feelings that they can't . . .and more breathing. Seriously, I'm not just hurt for myself. There are others that I GUARANTEE feel my pain, others that have spent more time being. . .breathing deeply now. No. I am not over it. I might not be completely over it all day long. But, I might be tomorrow. (As long as a certain someone doesn't do a similar thing tomorrow.) Lots and lots of deep breathing.
Learn to breathe, folks. Into the diaphragm, hold it, very slowly out. It does help. (A little.)
This is Life. Ain't no one gettin' out alive, but it shouldn't have to be this hard.
Pictures You Can’t Unsee
Saw something just a few minutes ago that I wish I hadn't seen. Actually I wish it didn't exist. Sort of.
I took a deep breath and tweeted about how horrible 2012 had just turned. Moments earlier I had been happy-go-lucky. Made one wrong turn on my twitter timeline and wound up in the depths of (personal) despair.
I knew better, actually. There was always the risk that I would see something I couldn't stand. I did and now my day (or at least the next hour) is shot. I'll let myself brood over it for awhile and wind up reminding myself that it should actually make me happy.
Problem is I could be happy, and I guess I literally am, but it's for someone else. I would really love to be able to be happy for me, right now. Or ever. Sometimes I don't think that will be possible.
One of my resolutions for this year is to be more Honest. (Yes. A capital H.) I could be Brutally Honest and things would go south pretty fast. The problem is I write and even though fiction is a lie ( I think Stephen King said that ) I tend to pour myself into it, so there a whopping big load of Truth floating around in there.
I'm writing, for example, a story that involves my heart and soul. I can't not write it. I've tried to put it away. I've freaking tried to burn it. I can not get rid of it. (Short of cutting out my own heart. Which I won't do.) The characters are based, very loosely -- with hardly any biographical facts -- on real people. Mostly me and one other person.
I was writing and editing, this story, this fine morning and I was in the Zone and I wrote what I wanted to and changed what I wanted to (and struggled with myself over first and third person) and was feeling great about how the day had started. Then I decide to go to twitter and fiddle around. (Sometimes not the best thing to do when you're feeling really good. You'd know why if you saw the group I follow. Hint: Never click on a link on my timeline.)
Well, that was the first thing I did. I clicked a link. I heard a song. Something that connected me, no matter how briefly or (I hope with all my heart) fictionally, to someone who has been dead for 30 years. So, my head was spinning a little already when I went back to twitter and decided to. . . well, it doesn't matter, let's just say it was about another part of the connection. (Connections and coincidences. Things in my life I could have done without.)
Click! And that brings us to the title of this post/entry/whatever. Pictures You Can't Unsee. Some days I wish the Internet had never been invented, nor the computer, nor libraries or televisions or radios or the written/spoken word. Some days I wish this planet was still a small ball of gas out in the middle of all the Nothing that surrounds us, without even a drop of primordial ooze mixed in. No heart to break. No mind to think. No eyes to see.
Happy New . . . Do Not Say It!
Yes. This is the first day of a new year. (Sort of.) Yes. I am here, starting good and early, with a fresh post. BUT! That does not mean that I've come prepared to make a list of promises about daily updates and great new content. (I haven't even updated "Scenes From Her Life" in many, many days. -- SIGH!)
I'm just here to say hi and maybe create a new link to share on twitter. (Yes. I love twitter more than you. It's quick, free and a bit more social. No, no. Don't cry. I was only kidding. -- Mostly.)
Okay. Enough of the chit-chat. I'm going back to twitter. Adieu.
Things I Should Not Know (Episode 1)
There are some things that people should not know. The Internet Age has changed everything, though. This section of the blog will be updated (infrequently) with short notes or longer posts about the many things I know that I should not/wish I did not know that I would not know if I did not own a computer with a high-speed internet connection.
Let us begin at the absolute beginning:
I should not know the number, names and ages of the children of someone I will never meet. (Do not ask.)
I should not know how many times the (above) person has been married/in a long term relationship.
I should not be able to see what amounts to the family (freaking) album of someone I will never meet.
Okay.
That being said. . . I should not feel compelled to (Google, wiki, or any other) search for these things about ANY person I will never meet. Also, I should not be able to make snarky twitter comments about any and/or ALL of these things I should not know. The fact that I can means that anyone who may recognize certain persons in my blog posts/twitter timeline, must forgive me for human weakness. I can, therefore, I do.
How Late It Gets When You Are In Hell
No one should take that title too much to heart. It's just me and my personal life going haywire. But, hey, got the next Scenes From Her Life finished because of it. You'll find the new link in the side bar there (or just click RIGHT HERE).
It turns out I was making too much out of nothing on twitter and in the last couple of posts. There is a very er- um - complicated scene coming up, but this one is not it. (Teddy turns out to be a bit more cautious than I expected her to be.)
Anyway, I'm terrible at updating, especially when I say I'm going to update. So, how about this, in the New Year I will do my absolute best to be here and posting a page or a blog entry or some little thing at least twice a week. If I do better, yea! If I do worse, hey, trust me, I tried.
(Also, might bring Favorite (Something) back. Don't hold me to that, but the word is 'might' after all.)
This is enough of an update to mention on twitter. (Won't link here. It's right up there. Don't be lazy.) Be back sometime. 'Bye.
Everybody Take A Deep Breath
I'm back. I'm just a few days behind. (Unless you follow me on twitter, where I seem to get way ahead of myself, far too often.)
This could be a positive trend. I'm also writing every day. (Not, of course, Scenes. . ., which I had said I'd do. Sorry about that.) Nope, working on the novel instead. Decided I couldn't do without a major character that I had tried to write out of the whole thing. (Hard to write out the one who is basically the reason the whole story is necessary.)
I've been doing some typing/self-destructing over at twitter. Any of you who may follow me -- well, you probably won't anymore after today -- may want to ignore me for the next few hours. Nothing has happened, yet. (Everybody cross one set of fingers for me.)
Never mind.
Haven't completed the tumblr thing, yet. (Why does every other sentence end in "yet"?) May or may not need it. The Doc and Teddy thing is stalled for me. Working on the novel full time is taking most of my energy. Haven't hit any new roadblocks since I changed the focal point.
Someone I am acquainted with, very distantly, mentioned something to me earlier today that I'm not sure is true, about something I may have overheard someone say once that may have stuck in my head and that I may have inadvertently used in something on this site and that might cause me no end of problems. (I asked her "With whom?" and she said, "You know." So, it's probably nothing.)
Had meant to fix comments on this thing last week, but haven't gotten around to finding the desire. If you want to comment about something I write; whether a post or a fiction piece you can always e-mail me at thisismy at oddstilllife.com. (Of course with all the requisite symbols and space skips. Yah get my drift.) Wouldn't be a mean thing to follow me at @tracytayl on twitter, either. (Too lazy to copy and paste? Well, I'm too lazy to link! So there!)
Nothing else really rolling. I'll let you all know anything that goes on. I hope I have the ability to come back tomorrow. Yah never know. See yah!
Start Of Something New
I think I'm going to have to start something new. I've been working on the next installment of Scenes. . . and it's going in a very awkward direction. I do have a tumblr site and I figure I might transfer the -- ehem--stronger Scenes to the tumblr. Yah know, just to keep this site more family friendly. (Not my family. I was reading 300 page romance novels at the age of 8.)
Ahem! Anyway, I haven't quite decided if I'm going to just transfer the Scenes or maybe rewrite G rated ones for this site. I might do both. I might do neither.
I had planned to start blogging every day for 365 days. I planned to start that yesterday, so that the beginning and the end would coincide with my birthday. (Yes. I celebrated -- another -- 29th birthday yesterday. Do not ask me how many of those I have celebrated. Because that would be rude.)
Instead, let's call this day 1 of 365 and we'll end it the day after my birthday next year. (Or possibly I'll just do whatever the Hell I want to, for however long I want. Yeah, probably that.)
I also might start a photo thing. Been wanting to do that for quite some time. Also other things.
Dang! I actually wanted this post to just explain the Scenes. . . problem and then I got sidetracked. I'll end here, just because I can and we'll see what happens later, or tomorrow (or next week).
Never Be . . .
Desperate.
It's dangerous. Desperation will break your heart and drive you (at least slightly) insane.
If you ever feel yourself becoming desperate: a)stop what you are doing, b) walk away. Go do something, ANYTHING else.
You will regret a desperate act for the rest of your life.
Don't ask me how I know.
I've had this particular post planned for weeks now and I get around to writing it and it's pretty straight forward. And very, very short.
This would have made 5 or 6 fairly decent tweets. Oh, well. Things are what they are.
Something To Say
If I'd been awake for just a moment, at just the right moment in 1994, I would have gotten off a Greyhound Bus in the middle of Denver, Colorado. I would have gotten a job and worked for awhile. I would have walked that city, just the way that I did, only just too many years later. My heart would have felt it's place and known it's space.
But I didn't. I was very ill that night and I stayed on that bus and I slept. I slept most of the way for another thousand miles. I stayed asleep and the chance disappeared without me even knowing it. Before I even knew the dream existed, the chance to fulfill it disappeared.
Seven years passed before I saw the light that would have guided me forward. By then it was just too late. Or so I imagined.
But still I prayed over this thing, this dream that was something I had never envisioned. I knew it was improbable, maybe impossible. My life was so broken and flawed by that time that I couldn't imagine how I would fix it enough to convince myself to even hope to fulfill such a dream.
I prayed. A thing I hadn't done in years. I cried and screamed and crawled. I suffered over a dream that I didn't know how to believe in. I begged and for a few months I waited.
Then something terrible happened. It wasn't a sign. It was a warning. Life was short. It was too precious to waste waiting. I made a plan. I made a decision. I fixed this dream in my heart and I wouldn't let it go.
For one solid year -- a few months more, really -- I held fast to the dream. I searched for the things I prayed for -- a pathway, a light, a sign, a goal -- something that would tell me I was doing the right things, that would tell me the dream was within my reach.
I received nothing. No light. No clue. Only more darkness and confusion. I wound up in Denver, so many years too late and for a moment I thought I knew what I was meant to do. I could see and smell and taste it.
Then, and I promise that I am not kidding, I was hit by a truck. Literally. One second, one half-second in time and I would have died.
Still I struggled. I fought to stay in the city. A city that I felt a connection to, that I felt some real possibility from. But it wasn't possible.
Days after that fateful accident I was on another bus headed to California, a place I was sure was the answer. I spent days traveling the coast and wound up in Santa Monica.
I walked the beaches from Malibu to Venice. Sometimes alone, sometimes with other people. I walked and a I wondered and I cried. I cried a lot.
I was somewhere familiar, but I was lost. There was so much time between what I dreamed and what was real. Finally, I broke my own heart, trying to rid myself of the dream that I was now sure was insanity.
I did things that I would never have done. Did them because they were something to do besides reaching out for something incomprehensible. I did things that were against my heart, anathema to my soul, because I wanted to put the dream behind me and because I had to change my life, somehow.
I had prayed for strength and patience and ability and in the end I gained none of those things and instead I lost all of myself.
I have crawled through the last nine years of my life. Crawled with a broken spirit and a shattered heart. I have tried to forget the dream, but it still haunts me. I think of things that I might have done, if I'd had the strength, the insight, the patience. Even now I find things that connect me to the dream. I can not escape them. They are everywhere.
The life I'm living now is not one I should have ever lived. It's as if I stepped out of my own skin 9 years ago and into someone else's, someone I was never meant to be. I know I can't undo the things I've done. I can only start again.
But to do that I have to take a hammer to this life. I have to break it away from me as if chiseling myself out of a stone tomb. I have to change everything. That means doing what I did before, only with some meaning this time. Not trying to escape from something, but fighting towards something. Fighting to get back to myself, my real self.
Thinking About Things: Never Ever Be . . .
Jealous.
Jealousy is a horrible thing (I won't dignify it by calling it an emotion). It can turn true love into something damaging and it can turn anyone into a monster, capable of things they could never imagine otherwise. If you don't eradicate it the instant you notice it it will poison your relationship(s) and your own sense of self.
Movies and TV are excellent at trying to make this thing into something cutesy and romantic. Jealousy is not romantic. It is an anti-romantic (if you will). Attempting to use it as a tool is dangerous and (very likely) always fatal to a relationship.
If you love someone, let them know it. If you want to be exclusive with someone, let them know that, also. If them never looking at another person of the opposite sex (or orientation) is part of that exclusivity, then you have other problems and are not ready for a real relationship.
I've struggled with jealousy myself, on and off for a long time. I've learned the hard way how it can make you feel and act and re-act to things that you should not have had any feeling about or reaction to, at all.
Okay, this lecture is over. Have another one planned, possibly for later today. It'll be about something else never to be. Desperate.
Things Being What They Are
I always plan November out so carefully. I know what I'm going to write almost before I start, I get everything ready and -- things tend to fall apart pretty quickly. Hardware problem, timing problems, personal problems -- all these things wait until November to gang up on me. This year has been no exception.
I wrote and I wrote and this time, as I wrote I began to see something in the story that bothered me. There are some difficult relationships within the story, especially a mother/daughter relationship between two (or three) of the main characters. I began to realize that I was injecting too much of my own experience into at least one third of this relationship.
I've come to the conclusion that if I am going to write this damn thing I'm going to have to admit that there are pieces of myself in the characters. (I've been thinking about it and working on it -- in the abstract -- for so long that it has become as much a part of me as something like this can reasonably be.)
The point is, while I struggle with the monstrosity that is this novel, other things get pushed aside. So, if I haven't posted here in a while you have to forgive me. I have two major posts in the works -- I mentioned them on twitter a while back -- I fully intend to have them up by the end of the month. Also, I have a few new Scenes written already and hope to have them up by the end of the day, today. (I've really specifically tried to keep my promise to myself not to edit them --except perhaps for glaring spelling errors -- so I need to post them ASAP before I change my mind.)
I actually started this post a week ago and changed my mind thirty times about finishing it and posting it. Anyway, here it is. Thanks for your patience.
Things That I Can Never Explain
I'm working on the novel. But it is very slow going and I find that the harder I focus on the story the slower things get. I've tried just "free writing" writing down anything that comes to my mind about the story, but it irritates me that I can't make it come together.
So, terribly, I've been letting myself write other things. Well, actually I've become slightly obsessed with creating a story set just for this site and while, apparently, trying desperately not to work on the novel, I've actually come up with an idea that seems to flow for me.
In actuality this story and my novel are based on the same idea. This story is just a little less "speculative fiction" and more mainstream romantic/drama fiction. The characters are no less problematic, but with this story I'm not concerned at all with any specific difficulties, either story wise or character wise. I made the decision that I could never actually turn this story into a novel (or any other kind of salable product). I could never explain exactly why. (Thus the title of this post.)
Another thing about this story is that it will be barely, if ever, edited. So, none of you write me long comments or e-mails about how the grammar or tense or punctuation is terrible. It will be terrible, very likely. The point to it even being here is that when I can not write anything else I will be (should be) able to write a page or two for this story without having to worry about editing or where a comma needs to go (or whether I mean your or you're).
The name of the set is Scenes From Her Life and the one concession that I will make to some sort of rule is that I will try to keep the scenes in consecutive order. So, anyone trying to, should be able to follow along. (The first Scene is titled First, the second will be Second and so on to infinity-- or til I go crazy and throw this freaking computer thru the window.) I'll be trying to use WordPress tools to keep the site from getting wildly cluttered. So, of course, things may be wildly cluttered (or worse) until I get everything figured out.
So, finally some sort of regular content on this site. I'm a little busy with other things to even think about adding anything more. (I mean, really, who decided NaNoWriMo should be in November. Freaking Thanksgiving takes days of my life, not to mention the run up to the holidays.)
The first page(s) should be up in the next few hours and I may have more if I can't rethink the religious ideas in the novel. (Yes. That's what I'm working on right now and it's driving me up the wall. I'd take it out entirely, but the whole thing is basically about something that happened to one of the characters that might have been an Act of God.)
This post turned out to be about ten times longer than I intended it to be, so I'll go now and see about handling everything else. Good bye.
Getting Lost Along The Way
I get a little lost sometimes. Things don't go well during a day and I let myself drift off and do other things. I've been trying to write. I've been meaning to come here and leave a small note.
Today I got thru another idea that I think is important to the story. I keep thinking I'll have more problems with it later on and I'm not sure if I can focus on it as a major piece of the story. It bothers me and when things bother me I normally cut them out.
So, I have been working the last couple of days. I've just had a lot of other things (personal and home) to deal with. I'm always working. It's always in my head. The words come when they will and I'll bring them here when I can.
Two days. That isn't so bad. Bug me when it's been a week. (Hahahaha.)
[That's uncomfortable laughter if you didn't recognize it.]
Working On It. Really, I Am.
I've been working on the same five pages all day. I just can't find the right way to introduce two of my characters to each other. I'm trying for a very dramatic reveal and it just isn't working. I'm hoping to get more done by the wee hours of the morning. (I'm shooting for 8 pages a day. I haven't hit that mark yet. I'm hoping to be able to spend more time on it over the weekend and get caught up.)
I'm also working on a post about a completely different subject, something that I alluded to over at twitter, but with the problems I'm having with the novel it may go on the back burner until at least Sunday. I'm also thinking of adding a few new pages to the site. Things I'm doing on the side, when the novel gets to be too much. (I know that's a no-no, but when I just can't think about my characters for one more second I need to break away and I don't want to quit writing completely.)
That's my process, though. Whether it really works or not, we'll figure out next year when we see whether I actually get this thing out there. You know, into the real world.
Okay. So, that's my update. It's still the 3rd and I'm on a roll. (Yeah, me!)
Struggling
I'm having real problems with the novel I've decided to write this year. It's been in the planning stages for years. I've invested time and mind and heart to it. I finally decided to just get a full first draft out during NaNoWriMo, just to be done with the thing and be through with it.
Yesterday started out fine. I got several pages done and some problems worked out. This morning I hit a road block in trying to figure out how I was going continue the story. I decided and undecided for about two hours how to proceed. Then I decided to walk away and stop thinking about it, fully intending to come back to it later in the day.
Walking away is a no-no for me. I tend to walk away and never want to go back. It makes me think that the thing is impossibly hard. It isn't, of course. It seems that way to me because I over-think things. I think and think until my thinker is sore and I burn myself out.
I'm resigned, as of today, to not do that again, at least until the end of this NaNoWriMo. I will work on the problems that I'm having with the narrative, tomorrow. I will get the next scene squared away (possibly tonight) and I will do everything within my power to finish this draft within the next 29 days. I have made myself a solemn promise that if I can't get this thing done (or at least very nearly done) by December 1st, I will never write the story.
These characters want to be written about, they claw at my brain and spirit and beg me to finish, but then they get obstinate and make it hard to write about them. This is their last warning. In 29 days, if their story isn't told it never will be. The end. No more.
There is always another story. I have plenty to tell.
Yes, But I Have An Explanation
You see, The Kid had a dentist appointment, which was just supposed to be a check-up. Turns out she had a capped baby tooth that had to come out. The Kid is nothing if not squeamish. The slightest amount of blood and she's all screams and "Check it! Check it! Is it STILL BLEEDING?!"
It maybe bled for a couple of minutes. Checked the gauze, it was fine. Unfortunately, then it was all about the Tooth Fairy. "I want to put the tooth under the pillow, now!"
"No. Wait until bedtime."
"No. Now."
We share our home with dogs. Who generally sniff things out and then either eat or mangle them. Anything new to the area, left unattended for more than 5 minutes is fair game.
"At bedtime, or the pups will eat the tooth and then what?"
"Fine. But I want to eat candy. Now!"
This scenario played itself out over the next several hours, eating up my time and energy. So, no post yesterday, but there will probably be at least two today, so, hey, I'll come out ahead. Yeah!
Well, That Didn’t Work
No site update. Turns out life tends to get in the way of the internet sometimes. I have had ZERO time to work on the site and when I could find minute moments my cable would go out or the modem would get stomped on or . . .well, imagine all the horrible things that could possibly go wrong and they did. Anyway, there are good things ahead.
November is NaNoWriMo as you all very well know. This thing has been a splinter in my pinky (like a thorn in my side, put less deadly) for years now. I have had a novel surging around in me for the last 10 years, and this year I intend to finish it. During NaNoWriMo. I mean, it is practically done already. All I really have to do is take my thousands of notes and collect them all in one place. And in sentences and paragraphs and actual pages.
I'd like to be finished with the first REAL draft by my birthday, on December 4. Since I am going to have to do a massive amount of writing (/typing) anyway, I figure I might as well do a DAILY POST as well. Mind you I've attempted such a thing before, but this year I am SUPER-DUPER determined. I will write, and if I'm writing a few thousand words a day anyway I might as well drop by here and leave a few lines.
The posts will probably be short. They'll probably be mostly about my progress through NaNoWriMo -- word count, story progression and such. Hopefully, the two things will support one another. Needing to write will make me blog and blogging will remind me to write, or vice versa.
As far as any other sort of updating of the site goes, I will refer you to my assertion that I will make no promises. Things happen when they will. This seems truer in my life lately than ever before. We will travel, slowly forward, finally reaching some distant destination, we know not where or when.
So, look forward to daily updates starting November 1 and we'll see how it goes.
So long for now.
Well, Hell!
I'm back. It's been a long few weeks. My internet has been down -- A LOT -- and there have been more hardware problems. I'm barely keeping this thing together. I still need to do more, but my personal life is also a big screaming mess right now -- no details, suffice it to say that my life sucks right now.
I've played some Minecraft along, but lost two of my main saves during a long string of hardware difficulties and haven't felt like staying on long enough to even transfer files. (20 minutes and my computer tends to blow up. Not literally, but I do often smell wire smoke.)
I am trying to do some website -- er, um, composing(?) and I will try to have at least a rough draft of the new main site linked up and ready by mid month. Until then I'll add sporadic posts here and plenty of Random non-reply stuff over at twitter
Goodbye, for now.
Only A Month! Hey, That’s A New Record!
I am back. I have not finished anything. Been doing other things. Like playing Minecraft! It's only the greatest game that will ever make you lose your job/spouse/life. You must pace yourself!
I don't really have that problem because I can only play for 20 minutes before my computer blows up. I will get a new(ish) one soon. Maybe Christmas. Fingers crossed.
Anyway, I have an idea for a Minecraft area for the site. I've got a couple of awesome screen shots and I've been meaning to record some things -- maybe a tutorial or some such. (I mean if I can play Minecraft successfully ANYBODY can!)
Okay, wait. I lost my train of thought. Did I finish that statement? Yeah. I think so. Just mainly making a note of how I really want to figure out a good way to add a Minecraft area to the site. (That is if my capture thingy didn't get fried in the last break-down.)
(Ooh! "capture thingy". I'm such a nerd. Hahahah! No seriously. I used to know these things. I might be getting . . . OLD!)
That's about it. Just wanted to add a new post since it's been a while. Might put up some screenshot things in the next day or two. (By the way, a good Minecraft tip: If you're the jittery type, turn the sound down or off and dig carefully. The sounds of the zombies, skeletons, creepers and Endermen, will drive you stark and raving. )
Enjoy the rest of your Saturday. (And probably September.)
Back Again! Yeah! With Some New Stuff And Some Old
Good afternoon, everyone. I'm here today with a tiny post, just to let you all know what I've been up to.
For one, I've been noodling around on Cafepress.com . I started up a couple stores over there a very long time ago and just never really did anything with them, but I got bored one day and decided to add some things and now I've decided to let people know. I actually have three shops (for the time being).
The "An Odd Still Life" store.
My "Tea and Roses" store.
And my brand new, "Never! Freaking! Mind!" store.
The "An Odd Still Life" store is pretty ancient. I started it back when I started this site. It has stuff with my old logo on it. I used to hate it, but I've been looking at it a lot lately and it's growing on me. It's verrrrry rough. I might update it with a new art program I have, and add it back to the actual site, but I might not. I don't know.
My "Tea and Roses" store is something I started a while back because I found myself doodling roses a lot. I would just start drawing roses and flowers and things for no reason. It was a little weird. I stopped almost as suddenly as I started and everything in that shop is gathering dust.
As far as "Never! Freaking! Mind!" goes, well, one night a few weeks ago I was feeling very board and a bit frustrated and I was doing a lot of stuff on twitter and I just got bored with (Sigh!) and well, NEVER! FREAKING! MIND! just manifested itself out of the tips of my fingers and I took it over to a new cafepress store and messed around with their new(ish) t-shirt design thing and well, this store is the result.
I've also decided to rearrange these blog pages a bit. At least one of the Page things is going away and I might be adding a few new ones. Hopefully.
Well, I'm going to end this now, before it gets any longer. I have an idea for another post percolating upstairs (points to head) so I might be back in a few hours, no need in having two long posts on the same day. Yikes!
Favorite (Something): Minecraft
One of my favorite new(ish) things is the game Minecraft. Have I played it? No. Will I play it? Yes. When? Getting it for my birthday in December.
What do I know about it? Just what I've seen in the many, many videos on youtube and what I've read on the pages linked at the bottom of this post.
It looks fun. It can be easy, or hard. You get to build things. Many things. Almost anything. You get to make things that you never even see in other games. You can cook and forge and dig and etc., etc., etc..
I hope it stays as fun as it seems. I hope commercializing it won't ruin it, because something that seems this great should make its creator, one Markus Persson ("Notch"), many tons of money.
Find out about Minecraft at these places:
Also run a search on youtube for Minecraft. You'll find lots of examples of mining and building, etc.. Enjoy.
Update! Favorite (Something) And Stuff
Welcome back. The new Favorite (Something) is Minecraft. Check for a followup post (tonight or tomorrow morning) to see what that's all about. I've been tweeting some more. Not enough to get to 2000 by tonight, but, you can't win them all. (Mind you, I've still got almost 5 hours.)
Also, I'm really very close to making some final changes to the overall site. (I know. No promises. But I'm really close!)
Funny Thing Happened . . .
Between about 19 hours ago and about 18 hours and 30 minutes ago. I changed the title of Favorite (Something) --which is a pretty decent title-- to Favorite (Thing) -- which is just horribly meh!
So, guess what? I'm changing it back. Favorite (Thing) will now be called Favorite (Something)! YEAH!
I don't know why I changed it in the first place. The only thing I can figure is that I'm easily distracted and have the short term memory of a turnip. (I mean, seriously, it took me less than an hour to turn gold -- or at least shiny brass -- into lead.)
Favorite (Something): The Beginning
This post is to introduce my new weekly, recurring category.
This week's Favorite (Something) is a person. Toby Turner. He has several channels on youtube and a minor presence elsewhere on the web. He's quite a personality and a prolific one at that. You'll spend hours on his youtube channels without ever feeling bored. Spontaneous and witty, bright and talented are not the least of his qualities. I was glad to find such a gem amid the teeming masses of . . . well, let's just say the teeming mass that is youtube.
Toby Turner is a credit to his generation and the field of entertainment. I'm absolutely sure that we'll all be seeing and hearing a good deal more of him in the near future. He has a long and, I'm sure, prosperous career ahead of him.
(Hey, his name is way easier to pronounce --not to mention spell-- than Shia LaBeouf's. Are you paying attention, casting directors?)
You can find Toby Turner at or around these links.
There are others but these are the best and will lead you to most of his other sites. Enjoy.
Quickly, Now, While It’s Still . . .
Actually, I just missed it. If you want Webcomic Wednesday you can follow me on twitter and check out the links I tweeted today. Otherwise, there'll be another one next week. Assuming there is a Wednesday next week. I'm sure there will be one -- barring some unforeseen cosmic disaster.
Anyway, sorry I missed it, but I was watching "South Park" on Netflix. (Hahahah!) Never mind!
Here I Am! Never Mind!
Wait! Stick around a few minutes. This is meant to be a major-ish update.
For one thing: It is Webcomic Wednesday! I'll try to set up some links in a separate post. (I didn't make it. Major fail! Try again next week.)
Also, yesterday I passed 1,000 tweets on twitter. I added to that number since and also started a couple of new things. Random Non-Reply and That Last Tweet. . . These will be daily, on-going, additions over at my twitter. So go there and follow me.
Also: Favorite (Something) for both here and twitter. I'm gonna make a separate entry for that and also tag it with a category. Ehem! Favorite (Something). This week it's a person. Toby Turner. Who? Never mind! Wait for the next post.
Brain. Fuzzy. Can't. Think. Gotta. Go. 'Bye!
