Pictures You Can’t Unsee
Saw something just a few minutes ago that I wish I hadn't seen. Actually I wish it didn't exist. Sort of.
I took a deep breath and tweeted about how horrible 2012 had just turned. Moments earlier I had been happy-go-lucky. Made one wrong turn on my twitter timeline and wound up in the depths of (personal) despair.
I knew better, actually. There was always the risk that I would see something I couldn't stand. I did and now my day (or at least the next hour) is shot. I'll let myself brood over it for awhile and wind up reminding myself that it should actually make me happy.
Problem is I could be happy, and I guess I literally am, but it's for someone else. I would really love to be able to be happy for me, right now. Or ever. Sometimes I don't think that will be possible.
One of my resolutions for this year is to be more Honest. (Yes. A capital H.) I could be Brutally Honest and things would go south pretty fast. The problem is I write and even though fiction is a lie ( I think Stephen King said that ) I tend to pour myself into it, so there a whopping big load of Truth floating around in there.
I'm writing, for example, a story that involves my heart and soul. I can't not write it. I've tried to put it away. I've freaking tried to burn it. I can not get rid of it. (Short of cutting out my own heart. Which I won't do.) The characters are based, very loosely -- with hardly any biographical facts -- on real people. Mostly me and one other person.
I was writing and editing, this story, this fine morning and I was in the Zone and I wrote what I wanted to and changed what I wanted to (and struggled with myself over first and third person) and was feeling great about how the day had started. Then I decide to go to twitter and fiddle around. (Sometimes not the best thing to do when you're feeling really good. You'd know why if you saw the group I follow. Hint: Never click on a link on my timeline.)
Well, that was the first thing I did. I clicked a link. I heard a song. Something that connected me, no matter how briefly or (I hope with all my heart) fictionally, to someone who has been dead for 30 years. So, my head was spinning a little already when I went back to twitter and decided to. . . well, it doesn't matter, let's just say it was about another part of the connection. (Connections and coincidences. Things in my life I could have done without.)
Click! And that brings us to the title of this post/entry/whatever. Pictures You Can't Unsee. Some days I wish the Internet had never been invented, nor the computer, nor libraries or televisions or radios or the written/spoken word. Some days I wish this planet was still a small ball of gas out in the middle of all the Nothing that surrounds us, without even a drop of primordial ooze mixed in. No heart to break. No mind to think. No eyes to see.
