I’m Listening To Things I Shouldn’t
Got up this morning ready to be done with something I've been holding on to a long time. I mean, really ready. I had a plan in my eyes for exactly how. I'm really good at compartmentalizing, so that's what I was planning to do. Put the last ten (or more) years away in a (psycho-metaphorical) box and bury it away, so deep I'd never even give it a second thought. I gave myself a good long look in the mirror and walked out to greet the day.
As the minutes fell into hours I let myself relax into old routines and I really wasn't thinking about anything in particular. Suddenly there this thing was. This thing that I was trying to bury. In something that wasn't even a part of the thing. There it was hidden away in a phrase, in a word, in a breath. I knew it when I heard it. Instantly I was filled with something that I hadn't thought to be filled with in a long while. There was a sweetness and a warmth in the thought. There was a distance, also. It wasn't the same. It's like looking at an old photo and feeling the way you did when the photo was taken.
(It has taken me a while to write this post.)
Hours have passed since I began writing this post. I have been taking the time to figure out the reasons why I wanted to be rid of something that has been a significant part of my life for a good deal of my life. It may be that I assume that I'm supposed to let go of it. Of course, we all know what happens when one assumes anything. (Thank you, Silence Of The Lambs. --Look it up.) I feel like I'm ready to change things, CHANGE them, not discard them. Maybe things are meant to go to a different level. If I'm to actually be more Honest this year, I think I have to Honestly say that what I want to do is take these things to the next level.
(I wrote this back on the 4th of January. I am posting it on the 11th of January. It has taken me a really long time to write this post and figure out that I don't mind if people read it. Also, I wish I could let everyone know what this thing is that I'm holding onto, that basically tortures me 24/7. I can't ever do that completely, but I am writing and I find that in every story I tell there is at least a little bit of my own truth. So, if and when people read my stories they will find a piece of my daily reality. Which piece, I may never be able to say, but it's enough (for me) that it's in there somewhere.)
